Please pray for a friend of ours...

[Pokey's Heart]

On Joy and Sorrow
Kahlil Gibran


Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

[Pokey's Heart]

I Would Pick More Daisies
Don Herold (Adapted)




When the late Nadine Stair of Louisville, Kentucky, was 85 years old, she was asked what she would do if she had her life to live over again.

"I'd make more mistakes next time," she said. "I'd relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been on this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

"You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, and a raincoat. If I had to do it over again, I would travel lighter than I have.

"If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds and I would pick more daisies."

[Pokey's Heart]

Praying fervent prayers on your behalf, ladybug. I got an awesome blessing from our visit yesterday. My heart and prayers are especially with you at this trying time.

[Pokey's Heart]

Gently Does It

If you were treating the open wounds of accident victims you would realize that the most gentle, well-meaning touch could send patients reeling. You would not be offended if someone you were seeking to help lashed out in pain with almost involuntary action. You would half expect it. But imagine the confusion if the wounds were invisible and the person looked uninjured. Consider the further complication if in that person’s experience everyone who had tried to help (and how does he know you will be any different?) had in their ignorance done little but inflict pain.

That’s the norm for someone who is hurting inside.

Emotionally wounded people cannot help but be highly sensitive. Words hit them like whips. It is vital that they be treated verbally with the careful tenderness you would use if you were dressing gaping physical wounds. Once we understand the seriousness of emotional wounds, it’s surprisingly easy to employ the Christlike graces of turning the other cheek and using the soft answer that turns away wrath. When we realize an outburst is just the pain talking, we no longer take it to heart. Only a fool takes personally the actions of someone drunk with pain.

‘ . . . cry and you cry alone’

In his greener, younger days, Dr Neil T. Anderson was summoned to a hospital waiting room where a couple from his church sat in shock as their son teetered between life and death. They sat and sat, until finally the news broke. The boy was dead. At that crucial moment words treacherously abandoned Neil, fleeing like guilt-stricken cowards from a decisive battle. The parents sobbed. Neil could do nothing but cry helplessly with them. Finally he dragged himself home in utter defeat. Years later he met the couple again and one of their first acts was to profusely thank Neil for he way he had so powerfully ministered to them on the night they lost their son. Neil was stunned. He had been sure he had failed them. Instead, he had done one of the greatest things one human can do for another.

We often achieve most when we think we are achieving nothing, and achieve nothing when we imagine we could teach Solomon a thing or two.

Much heartache could be averted in the body of Christ if, like Neil, we could learn to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15) – not necessarily shed tears, but unashamedly embrace the pain of others, and let it be obvious that “if one part [of Christ’s body] suffers, every part suffers with it” (1 Corinthians 12:26).

To be in physical or emotional pain is one of the loneliest experiences on earth. And yet at that time when we need them most, many people flee from us. Some desert us because we have outlived our usefulness when we can no longer give them a fun time. Thankfully, there aren’t too many “friends” like that, but we imagine their numbers are more inflated because we confuse them with the next category. Many shun us because they feel awkward. They would love to help but they are afraid they will say the wrong thing and add to our pain.

A huge contributor both to Christians saying the wrong thing and fearing that they will do so is that we usually feel duty-bound to concoct words of wisdom or quote Scriptures. Rarely is that what a hurting person is hoping for.

We don’t see Jesus asking his disciples for advice, but we often see him asking them for his company. In the garden we see how important that was to him, when he showed his disappointment that they could not stay awake while he prayed.

Advice is cheap. Love is precious.

Advice a vice?

For most of us, the slightest hint of anyone having a need or problem, ignites within us an explosive yearning to give advice. Yet of all options, giving advice is usually the least effective and most dangerous. When we are on the giving end, we usually consider advice-giving to be a virtue. The world would be saved much pain, however, if Christians considered advice-giving a vice.

Giving advice is taking upon ourselves the role of a superior. Often, it is selfishly inflicting our opinion on a vulnerable person. And it is usually being judgmental. It is considering people to be ignorant – and so we think they need our hallowed wisdom to enlighten them. And it is usually judging them of sin, prayerlessness, lack of faith, not praising God enough, or some other failure such that we imagine they need us to instruct them to change.

Wordless Help

I’m a writer. I spend most of my life at my desk shut away from people, having no personal contact with those that I long to help. Usually they live on the other side of the planet. In my situation I have nothing to offer but words, and yet even I know that we often overvalue words and undervalue what might seem simpler things.

I have a dear friend who suffers horrifically with bi-polar disorder (manic-depressive). She writes of two life-changing moments:

I had gone into the metro station, planning to jump in front of the train. I felt useless to my family, useless to God and damned. I was in utter despair and longed for death. As I stood, watching for the train, I turned and there was a woman standing beside me. She smiled at me. It seemed her eyes were full of the love of Christ. After seeing that smile I could no longer think of death, and I went home to my family with renewed hope, although still fighting terrible despair.

About a decade after that life-saving smile I suffered an extended period of spiritual torture. I mistakenly, but strongly, felt that I had lost my Lord. One day I was sitting in my doctor’s waiting room, in utter despair. In my misery, I could not take my eyes off the floor. A woman bent down so that I could see her and she smiled the same kind of smile at me.

Quick to listen

We almost inevitably overvalue our advice and undervalue our companionship. And the biggest part of good companionship is being a warm listener. And a significant part is simply being there. The perfect friend, however, remains sensitive to the person's need for space, which is likely to change with the person's mood.

“Take note of this:” emphasizes James 1:19, “everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” This describes the most vital of all counseling skills and we should give top priority to honing it. It is significant that this verse indicates God expects this skill not of a favored few, but of everyone. Quick to listen gives the impression of having acted this way so often that listening, rather than reacting or butting in, has become our instinctive reaction, just as anger once was for most of us. Scripture is pleading that we co-operate with the Holy Spirit in a radical reprogramming of our natural responses. We need to think constantly in terms of offering compassion and encouragement until these become an automatic response, with judgment and advice-giving being totally displaced from our thinking.

Listen intently. Hang on to people’s every word. Every Christian is highly significant, and yet we are each plagued by an insidious enemy who doesn’t want us to know it. By valuing what a Christian says, you counter the devil’s attempts to undermine the person.

Years ago I discovered that whenever I’m speaking with someone, there are two important parties – the Lord and the person I’m talking with – and I need to listen carefully to both. That’s right. When I’m conversing I don’t even rate as one of the the two most important parties.

How much you listen shows how much you value the other person. Often, how much you talk shows how full of yourself you are. And it is not just how much you listen but how you listen that shows how important someone is to you. True listening is not sterile silence. It is savoring and feeling a person’s every word.

The most difficult task of all is distinguishing between what, for the other person, is comfortable silence and what is uncomfortable silence. Often we should endure silences that are to us uncomfortable but are comfortable to the other person. When, in the other person’s perception, silences begin to become uncomfortable, then chatting can become valuable, provided we stay alert for the affect our words our having. Such chatting can give people get a tiny vacation by helping to get their minds off the things that are causing them grief.

The book of Proverbs highlights the importance of listening to people (Scripture). For the importance of listening to God, see the life of Jesus (Scripture).

The power of silence

As suggested by Neil Anderson’s experience, we would usually do so very much better if we made our presence do the talking, rather than our flapping gums. We see this vividly portrayed by Job’s friends.

“When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No-one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was (Job 2:12-13).”

They wept. They mourned. They sat with Job in the dirt, in shocked grief, speechless, for seven long days. Then, like so very many of us, they became impatient. Beginning to doubt the effectiveness of their invaluable support, they felt pressured to take over God’s job. Tragically, this ruined their perfect start.

Reeling in dazed bewilderment, Job had not a clue why he had been hit by disaster after disaster. His visitors had the unique opportunity of offering comfort to God’s friend, as people who fully understood his humanity and shared in his frustration and knew the emptiness of staggering through life with unanswered questions. Instead of filling their divinely appointed role of comforting Job as fellow mortals, they chose the satanically preferred alternative of claiming Godlike knowledge. Each wanted to become their friend’s spiritual superior, trying to help from above, rather than helping from his side. Not only was their quest to fill God’s role doomed to fail, they lost their opportunity to support Job as his equal.

Like Job’s friends, we soon tire of being in the dirt with a complaining brother. We want to dust ourselves off and show that we’re above that sort of thing.

Look at Jesus for inspiration. Forsaking his divine privileges, from the time he became a fetus until he was a plaything for Roman thugs, Jesus knew constant humiliation. In contrast to what was his by right, he became physically vulnerable, weak, tempted, subject to pain, and as the final disgrace, rejected even by God (Matthew 27:46). We often see him tired, thirsty, in tears, impoverished, ridiculed. Scripture stresses that Christ had to become like those he was called to help (Scriptures). What equipped the Son of God for his exalted ministry was his lowering himself, stripping himself of divine rights and status. We, however, are satanically tempted by the delusion that acting the exact opposite to Christ – exalting ourselves and assuming Godlike status – empowers us to minister. Nothing could be further off track.

Consider our Savior from the time of his arrest until his resurrection. He had never been so humiliated; his apparent inadequacy never more exposed. He said little. And did even less. He was simply there. And yet his mere presence achieved so much more than every word that has ever been spoken. Nothing we could do could ever compare. Nevertheless, our Savior told us to take up our cross and follow him. Next time we are tempted to play God, let’s do it Christ’s way. “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers” (1 John 3:16). Talk is cheap. Love costs.

Your divinely appointed role

As amazing as it seems, not even the Son of God could claim for himself his High Priestly ministry. Although it was essential that Christ lower himself to the level of those he longed to help, neither that, nor anything else he did, could give him a ministry. He had to be ordained by Father God for the task (Scriptures).

Job’s friends didn’t understand this holy principle. Their mistake was like that of King Saul. He became impatient with the seeming lack of progress and decided to take things into his own hands by assuming a role he was not ordained of God to take. Saul was already a high achiever who was doing much for the people of God as their king. Not content with this, however, he took upon himself the role of priest, and offered a sacrifice. He succeeded only in displeasing the Lord and by being replaced by “a man after God’s own heart.” I guess most of us have wondered what special quality this expression refers to. The context suggests “a man after God’s own heart” simply means someone who would not make Saul’s mistake of venturing beyond his divinely ordained role ( 1 Samuel 13:6-14).

We, too, can make the mistake of undervaluing our role as someone’s friend, confidant, sympathizer, and equal. That’s a lofty role that not even angels or God himself can fully fill. Our Lord has entrusted so much to us. Only we, for instance, can give a hug. Yet we could let the Accuser convince us we are not doing enough and that things are moving too slowly. We could conclude that we need to exalt ourselves above our friend by trying to become his/her teacher.

But you are not to be called ‘Rabbi’, for you have only one Master and you are all brothers. . . . . Nor are you to be called ‘teacher,’ for you have one Teacher, the Christ. The greatest among you will be your servant. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted (Matthew 23:8-12).”

“Not many of you should presume to be teachers . . . because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways. . . . . the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire . . . . It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. . . . . no man can tame the tongue. . . . (James 3:1-8).”

Dare you rebuke God’s child?

If, without parental permission, you corrected someone else’s child, you would be in grave danger of incurring the wrath of the parents. Never forget that every Christian has a very protective Father. (For more about this principle, see Scriptures.) How careful we must be not to encroach on to God’s territory without his express permission!

A woman who has suffered much at the receiving end of Christian do-gooders, confided, “None of the people I’ve talked with thought they were being judgmental; they were simply trying to help.” She believes far too many Christians try to do the Holy Spirit’s work. “Our job, she concluded, is to bear each other’s burdens, not solve them.”

What are the practical implications?

Even in what seems minor aspects of service, such as off-hand remarks to friends, we need to be so cautious, always alert to the Lord’s directions. When you are itching to give advice, remember this inspired prayer, “Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips” (Psalms 141:3) because “Life and death are in the power of the tongue,” (Proverbs 18:21). Important Scriptures.

We must always avoid exalting ourselves above a fellow believer, and especially avoid acting as if we have authority that we are not ordained of God to exercise. “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves (Romans 12:10).” In the words of Jesus, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,” (Matthew 20:26). Authentic Christian ministry is radically different from the world’s way.

We should not despise the power and privilege of being at the same level as the person we minister to. To prevent us from falling for the Accuser’s lies, it is helpful to recall all that the Son of God did to bring himself to the level of those he ministers to. It was this that empowered him to minister to a degree that Almighty God could never have otherwise achieved. Most excitingly, this level of seeming weakness and limitation that Christ went to such efforts to bring himself to, is the very level which, by virtue of our humanity, we are already at. We are divinely placed for powerful ministry. No wonder Paul exclaimed, “I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong,” (2 Corinthians 12:10).

It’s not that giving advice is never a godly option, but at the very least we need to purge our motives and check thoroughly with God to ensure we have his approval to speak.

[Pokey's Heart]

Caution

We need a reverent awareness of how vulnerable we are to becoming a tool of the devil whenever someone close to us is hurting.

Satan’s first act after he first gained influence over a human was to use her to adversely influence Adam, the person closest to her. That has been the devil’s top strategy ever since. He did it with Job, first using Job’s wife, and then Job’s friends for his evil purposes. He did it with Jesus, using Peter so effectively that Jesus had to tell Peter, “Get behind me Satan.” Still later, the devil got at Jesus through Judas, another close friend of Jesus.

Any person who is hurting is obviously under spiritual attack. That’s not so unusual. We all have certain times when we are particularly under attack. But note the implications: evil powers are already targeting the hurting person and the mere fact that you are nearby, puts you high on their list of potential accomplices as they seek to intensify their attack on that person. In such circumstances you must therefore be alert to the possibility of unwittingly being used by evil powers, as Peter was. Of course, there is no place for superstitious fear. To end up hurting people by avoiding them would also be falling into Satan’s trap. When someone is hurting it is a time to keep looking to God for direction, like Jesus; not a time to blurt out the first thing that comes into our head, like Peter.

Off the Soapbox

Most of us have a natural tendency to lapse into a preaching or lecturing mode when trying to help a hurting friend. By so doing, however, we give the impression of elevating ourselves from the position of warm-hearted friend to that of cold superior. People crave love and understanding, not sermons.

Fellow Christians rarely need to be treated like novices or backsliders. They often simply need to be released from the oppression of discouragement and accusations that squash the work of God in their lives. Once this overburden is removed you will find underneath a beautiful work of God already there and ready to flourish. That’s why encouragement is of such great value. It lifts people. In contrast, one-on-one preaching tends to weigh people down, adding to their feelings of inadequacy and aloneness.

Preaching, of course, is perfectly acceptable when addressing a body of people. It’s when talking with an individual that it becomes an inappropriate mode of address.

What greatly magnifies the offense of advice giving or preaching at a person is that our priceless gems rarely end up being anything the person does not already know. Offering pat answers is particularly objectionable. It assumes people are silly enough not to have thought of the obvious. People have quite enough problems without having to cope with us implying they have the intelligence of a green tomato. Moreover, our superficial solution is probably something they have already tried and they are still hurting under the bitter disappointment of that hoped-for quick fix not working. To rake it up again in an unsympathetic way would be doubly hurtful.

To be Christlike we should get off our soapbox, open it, take out the soap and wash our brother’s feet.

The margin for error

We engage in conversation so frequently that we rarely consider that personal conversation is more delicate than delivering a sermon. Letting Big-mouth Harry address an entire congregation is safer than letting him speak in private with Suzie Tenderheart. Addressing a crowd allows considerable scope for error. What is said might not apply to Suzie’s situation or it might be something so obvious to her that implying she is ignorant of it would insult her. No problem. Chances are Suzie will simply assume the remark was meant for someone else. This margin for error, however, vanishes when the audience shrinks to one.

With people brimming with joy and confidence, who feel loved and accepted by nearly everyone, we could safely say almost anything without devastating them. It is very different, however, with a person on the other end of the scale. With someone reeling under life’s blows, the safety margin evaporates. It becomes essential to avoid saying anything that could possibly be interpreted as critical, or a put down. Avoid like a ticking bomb giving the slightest hint that the person might be guilty of sin, or have a deficiency is his/her spiritual walk.

Whenever a vulnerable person feels that you are aiming a piece of advice specifically at him/her, the situation is as perilous as an amateur knife thrower trying to land knives as close as he can to the bodies of nervous volunteers, while hoping not to wound them. If we must give advice, we need to work hard at increasing the safety margin by reducing the person’s perception that our advice is targeted at them.

I am most definitely not talking about being devious. It is essential that we be genuine. I’m referring to being humble enough to doubt our ability either to perfectly size up a person’s situation or to infallibly hear from God.

When I am E-mail counseling I often paste into the E-mail a fairly long slab from my writings. It is filled with encouragement (an important way of increasing the safety margin). To further reduce the possibility of inadvertently inflicting pain, I explain that although the quote doesn’t specifically address their situation, they might possibly find something helpful in it. I use a fairly long quote covering several different things. That makes it less pointed. Because there is so much encouragement in it, almost certainly some of it will bless them and I leave it to the Holy Spirit and to them to determine which other parts are applicable to them. You might use a similar approach by introducing to someone a book or a tape, saying (if that is true) that it blessed you and you wondered if they might enjoy it, too. If it deals only with one subject, however, that would make it more targeted and so the safety margin narrows.

If you must give advice, don’t tell someone. That approach is so dangerous that the tiniest error in delivery or content could wound the person. At most, ask or suggest or encourage the person in a particular direction. Say something like “I guess you’ve already considered . . . ?” or, “I don’t know if it’s applicable to you but . . .” Remember, however, that the important thing is not to gain a good delivery technique but a good attitude. You phrase things that way because you genuinely believe they are intelligent and/or spiritual enough to have already considered that option and you genuinely believe you don’t have infallible insight into a person’s situation.

A factor seriously affecting the safety margin is the extent of a person’s emotional attachment to you. If someone sees you as an insignificant stranger and couldn’t care less what you think about him/her, you could safely say things that a treasured friend could never get away with. With a person whose emotional well-being hinges on your opinion of him/her, the slightest slip could be disastrous. The bigger the place someone has given you in his/her heart, the less you can safely say about sensitive issues, and the more critical it is that you carefully listen and be supportive. This in no way implies a diminished role in helping people you are emotionally involved with, it simply means you need to lean more heavily than ever upon means other than giving advice.

Will it help or harm?

So you have some wise advise? How do you know whether sharing it will help or harm? What makes this a particularly tough question is that giving advice is an ego boost, and pride clouds our thinking. The time when a friend is in need, is the time when one wrong word can wound like a bullet and when evil powers are on the prowl for Christian accomplices. We need our spiritual discernment to be at its peak. It is not a good time to risk being blinded by the pride that advice giving tends to produce.

The mere fact that what we share is truth, is no excuse for sharing it. Job’s friends ended up desperately needing God’s forgiveness (Job 42:7-8) despite there being truth in much of what they said. (For example, 1 Corinthians 3:19 quotes from one of them – Job 5:13 – as authoritative Scriptural truth). The main problem was that the truth they recited did not apply to Job. Satan even used scriptural truth in his evil ploy to spiritually harm the Son of God (Matthew 4:5-6).

It is not even sufficient to have good motives. Tragically, Job’s friends thought they were helping Job and exalting God. Convinced they were serving God, they were actually the devil’s pawns. They were sure they were honoring God and instead they were defaming God’s friend.

A distinguishing mark of wisdom that is truly of God is that it is not argumentative. It does not steamroller those who disagree, insisting on being heard or getting its own way. It is not forceful or harsh, it is “peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy . . .” (James 3:17).

“Make every effort to live in peace with all men . . .,” (Hebrews 12:14, Romans 12:18 is similar). In practical terms, I suggest this means agree as much as possible with people, and where you disagree, let it show as little as possible. (And of course by “possible” I mean to the extent that it has divine approval.)

The hidden enemy
An enormous obstacle to effective counseling is the counselor’s own unconscious motives.

A Christian approached me for advice about his emotional involvement with a non-Christian woman. As he detailed the situation a gentle anger began pulsing through my veins over the disrespectful way I perceived he was treating God and his wife.

Scripture reveals that the mere fact that I am human means there is a good chance I am self-deceived about my true motives. Could something ugly be lurking beneath my consciousness, goading me to be unjustifiably harsh towards this man? I desperately needed God in his mercy to show me. No matter how pure my feelings seemed, they could be ungodly. Counseling while blinded by self-righteousness is as foolhardy as attempting surgery while blindfolded. The scary thing is that people afflicted by self-righteousness are rarely aware of it. I immediately sought time out for prayer and asked for others to pray as well. Before attending to a possible speck in my brother’s eye, I must humbly seek Jesus for major surgery on my own eyes.

For my second line of defense I seized Scripture’s recommendation about having several advisors or counselors (Proverbs 11:14; 15:22; 24:6). If this man were somehow touching a raw nerve deep inside of me, making my reaction less godly than I imagined, there must be other Christians free from my particular weaknesses. While keeping his identity secret, I sought input from mature Christians with totally different backgrounds from me. One was a divorced woman. If I had a gender bias, her view should counter it. Could the fact that I’ve never married make me too idealistic? Or could I be jealous of this man’s relationships? Who would have the courage to recognize such humiliating weaknesses? To counter these seemingly remote but frightening possibilities I sought a man who has enjoyed a long and happy marriage.

It turned out that the three of us were as one in our interpretation of this man’s needs. Nevertheless, being right gives no one license to slacken in love, kindness, gentleness or wisdom. I spent still more hours cooling my emotions and prayerfully working on how to convey my concerns to this man in the most uplifting manner possible.

A better way

Showing people what to do is usually far superior to telling them what do. Consider this example:

There is nothing as potent as faith and praise in empowering a person to burst through oppression. And yet finding someone weighed down by a trial and merely telling them to have faith and to praise God can make us as guilty as those to whom Jesus said, “. . . woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them (Luke 11:46).” Our words can be technically correct and yet end up being oppressive burdens.

Rather than tell people, stoop down, get below them and lift them. If you feel someone needs to exercise more faith and praise, try things like the following.

Pray aloud with them, and in your prayer lead by example, finding things to thank and praise God for in the person’s circumstances and declare things before God in faith. Do this gently, sensitively and gradually. It might have to be spread over several visits. If you move too fast and leave the person behind, your efforts will be wasted.

Fully acknowledge just how hard it can be to have faith and to praise God in the midst of a trial. Perhaps share with the person some of your defeats in this area.

Whenever the person takes the smallest step in the right direction, commend and encourage them. Without being patronizing, cheer them on. (See Comment by a sexual abuse survivor)

When the disciples asked Jesus to increase their faith, he spoke about the mighty things that can be accomplished by tiny mustard seed sized faith. That’s a great faith-builder because even I am capable of tiny faith. Use a similar approach. Help people realize that sufficient faith is not solely for some supersaint but is fully within their grasp.

Dangerously inadequate views of suffering

We have seen that feeling obligated to give advice causes some of us to flee because we are unsure of what to say. If we don’t run but still feel pressured to advise, we usually end up like Job’s friends saying things that sound godly but not what God would say to the person. We imagine we are being a great help but our good intentions fail to bring comfort and enlightenment.

Sadly, there are other Christians, who neither flee, nor try to help, but feel the need to attack people with problems. A common reason for losing patience with Christians who have problems is that any suffering or battle threatens to expose the deficiencies in our grasp of Christianity. It’s much easier to conclude that anyone having a hard time is obviously an inferior Christian, than to face the fact that we, too, might one day have to face such a trial.

Poor Job suffered horrifically to bring to us the truth that the most godly of people can suffer trials so awful that they wish they had never been born. His friends relentlessly expounded their theory that godly people don’t have such trials. With their tongues, Job’s friends inflicted pain as skillfully as the soldiers lashing Jesus’ back, while imagining themselves as holy as the Pharisees thought themselves when they sentenced their Savior to death. Once Job’s ordeal was carefully preserved in Scripture, along with God’s judgment of his friends’ advice (Job 42:7-8), one would have expected the death of the theory among Bible believers that godliness is the ticket to earthly bliss. And yet, amazingly, we still find Christians queuing up for the shame of falling down the same holes as Job’s friends who tormented the righteous. I can only assume from this that many Christians must relegate to the trash heap the riches in the book of Job. And yet almost everywhere you look in Scripture, the same truth is taught.

Plunge into the Psalms. The book that most expresses joy and praise devotes enormous space to tears and pain, disappointment, fear, frustration and anger.

Even Christ was no stranger to tears and suffering. Or are we more spiritual than our Lord? “Since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude . . . (1 Peter 4:1).” Or do we dump this Scripture as well?

The book of proverbs warns that unless we match a hurting person’s mood, stooping to his/her emotional level, a well-meaning attempt to cheer can end up as cruel as stealing someone’s coat in the middle of winter (Proverbs 25:20). Instead of heeding Paul’s instruction to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15, KJV), in modern Christianity we sometimes almost feel the need to chastise those who weep, lecturing them for being so “unchristian” as to feel pain. Amazingly, the man inspired of God to urge us to weep was the very man whose words we have so distorted as to imagine we are letting the side down if we shed tears or suffer. If we were so foolish as to jettison the Old Testament, and even Christ himself, as being too emotional to reflect true godliness, surely we cannot ignore Paul, the one who gave us such Scriptures as “Be joyful always . . . give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16,18). “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4). See A time to weep.

A valued friend, John Jollie, made a profound comment about the early church, as divinely portrayed in Scripture. Adversity authenticated their witness, he observed, as much as their miracles did. It also did much to temper and shape their lives.

If, instead of treasuring only a few remnants of Scripture, we can bring into focus the full panorama of God’s view of emotions and trials, we would be much better equipped to “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2, NKJV).

Understanding

When her husband unexpectedly dropped dead in front of her, nearly forty years of marriage instantly terminated. At church the next Sunday, friends gathered around to comfort her. She remembers nothing of what was said except for one remark: “I know how you feel.”

“I knew she meant well,” says the widow, “but what a ridiculous, incongruous thing to say. Her husband was standing there beside her, happy and healthy!”

That remark hurt so much that it is still vividly recalled fifteen years later. To this day, however, the woman who had uttered those well-intentioned words remains completely unaware that they had stabbed her friend’s heart like a sword.

It’s hard to resist saying “I understand” to anyone in distress. We, too, have suffered and we’ve been blessed with imagination. And on the surface it would seem that those words should be a great source of comfort. And yet those words end up annoying, even hurting, because it is obvious to grieving people that we have not had an identical experience. It increases their feeling of aloneness when we fail to see what to them are unique aspects of their ordeal.

[Pokey's Heart]

Of course, it is not enough merely to avoid saying that we understand. What is critical is avoiding the presumption that we understand, especially after making only a token effort to do so.

Hastily claiming to understand has yet another unintended down side. It sends the message, “I’m not interested in hearing about your situation and feelings. I already know it all.” What makes this such a loss is that for hurting people, verbalizing their feelings is usually a vital part of the healing process.

On the other extreme, we shouldn’t be too free in broadcasting our lack of understanding, because that, too, adds to a person’s feeling of isolation. Rather than jumping to conclusions or resorting to hallow words, show your eagerness to work towards genuine understanding by careful listening, your lack of condemnation and by the genuine pain in your voice and facial expression.

It is most powerful for people to know that you have tasted their pain because of the depth and breadth of your own sufferings. If you have been blessed with such trials, however, don’t spend too long describing them. Make it obvious that it is their experience, not yours, that presently most moves you. And, of course, leave it to them to decide how similar your trial is to theirs.

A lack of personal suffering does much to disqualify us from ministry. Even though by divine knowledge the Son of God could intellectually know everything in infinite detail, he had to personally experience suffering like ours before he qualified to minister to us. See suffering helps qualify you for ministry.

We should always be humbled by the fact that although we might imagine we have suffered as much or more than another person, it remains a mere guess. In variety and intensity, each of us has a unique set of fears. Dreams, expectations, perceptions, needs, backgrounds, all differ. Only Jesus has unlimited knowledge, and we need to keep pointing people to him.

[Pokey's Heart]

“Love believes all things”

“. . . the Holy Ghost is the only One in the true position to criticize,” believed Oswald Chambers, “He alone is able to show what is wrong without hurting and wounding.” (My Utmost for His Highest, June 17th)

Job knew what it was to be a counseling victim. Given the extent of his suffering and that God meticulously recorded his thoughts for all time, we should take his words most seriously. “To him who is about to despair,” pleaded Job, “kindness is due from his friend . . .” Note what this Scripture says is at stake: “. . . lest he forsake the fear of the Almighty” (Job 6:14). A person may be much closer to suicide or forsaking the Lord than he/she ever lets on. People’s destinies could hinge on how effectively we live that verse.

No doubt Job’s friends would have liked to have been kind, but their tragic error stemmed from being so convinced of their theory that it outweighed their faith in their friend. They had so firmly locked into their mind the doctrine that good people do not suffer, that they felt compelled to cling to that belief no matter how strong the evidence that Job was innocent. The way they ended up tormenting God’s friend and incurring God’s wrath confirms my choice of the single most important Scripture for counselors: Love “is ever ready to believe the best of every person,” (1 Corinthians 13:7, Amplified Bible).

If only we could live like that Scripture, always interpreting people’s actions and what they tell us in the best possible light, continually giving them the benefit of the doubt. Even if people openly confess a problem, realize that in their depressed state they could well be too hard on themselves. Certainly show that you realize the gravity of their present situation, but always give them hope. Encourage, encourage, encourage.

Be convinced of God’s love and power and of the good plans God has for those you wish to support. Believe in the people God has sent you to, and believe in God’s willingness to work powerfully in them and to mightily use them. The apostle Paul typically showed great faith in those he was writing to (examples). We would do well to follow his lead. It is the most effective and spiritual way both to bring healing to people and to avoid hurting them.

If we are filled with love, whenever we talk with people or even think of them, our first, instinctive move would be to think well of them, to find things to admire and praise in them and to overlook or excuse any shortcomings they may have. Sadly, such an attitude is far from natural to us. Continually seeing things through the pure, loving eyes of God takes a transformation that cannot be perfected in a few days. Ridding ourselves of a critical mind set requires an on-going Spirit-led reprogramming of our mind and spirit, through prayer and practice, miracle and effort. It starts with the miracle of Christ’s likeness being, as it were, divinely impregnated into our genes; taking on the family likeness by being born into God’s own family. It continues with a supernatural explosion of love within us that saturates our whole thinking and personality (Romans 5:5). And as we keep looking to Christ it builds momentum for the rest of our time on earth. It involves killing off old habits and thought patterns and living a new life through the resurrection power of the risen Lord. Divine love and purity are our new nature, but jealousies, resentments and one-up-manship are second nature.

Love builds up

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18).

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness” (Proverbs 31:26 NKJV). For more Scriptures, see Positive use of the tongue.

Christians have a bottomless pool from which to shower encouragement after encouragement upon each other. For example, we don’t have a God who greets the longings of our heart with a stern “No!” On the contrary, we have:

a God whose eyes sparkle with love at the beautiful surprises he has carefully planned for you

a God who has invested his infinite resources in ensuring your success

a God who is fiercely devoted to maximizing your long-term happiness

a God so opposed to every force that threatens you that he has committed his unlimited power to manipulating each potential disaster until it ends up furthering your welfare.

You can tell every Christian that the richest, most powerful, most desirable person is in love with him/her. We are treasured by the wisest and greatest person in the universe. That makes each of us mind-bogglingly important. We are royalty; beloved heirs of the King of kings, and we will soon share his throne and his wealth, not to mention his perfection. We have in God someone who knows our blackest secret and yet delights in us with unswerving loyalty. Every source of embarrassment and shame that clouds our past is wiped from heaven’s records and in its place is credited to us purity and moral perfection so astounding as to be humanly unattainable. You can look at yourself in the mirror and know that no matter what your past, you are now pure in the eyes of the holy God.

For a few more examples and Scriptures urging us to encourage each other, see more.

We need the supernatural inspiration of the Spirit of God, not only for understanding of truths that uplift and set Christians free, but equally for divine enabling in imparting those truths in such a way that Satan does not twist them into condemnation in the hearts of sensitive people.

Love is humble

Most would-be counselors come up with half-baked solutions that will never work and when their advice fails to instantly transform a person’s life, instead of humbly recognizing the limitation of their approach, they blame the person they were trying to help! They conclude the person must be sinful or lazy or must not have followed their sacred instructions to the letter.

Love is always quick to blame itself, rather than the other person. “Do nothing out of . . . vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves (Philippians 2:3).”

When progress is not as fast as you expected, be quick to assume the problem is your inadequate “solution,” not their inadequate application. Be quick to blame your insufficient prayer and poor understanding. Pour out your frustration on God, not on them.

Complain to others about your own deficiencies if you must, but do not dishonor those you have been trying to help by complaining to other people about them. That’s betrayal.

Remember how insistent Peter was that he would never deny Jesus. Imagine how hard he would have been on anyone who in a moment of weakness was unfaithful to his Lord. Just hours later Peter did what to his mind was unthinkable. That demonstrates how difficult it is to project ourselves into a situation we are not presently in. Add to this the impossibility of understanding the pressures of living inside someone’s else’s body and of having the entirely different background.

Humility keeps us from foolishly judging people.

Love is patient

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17).

Years ago I labored, to win back a backslidden Christian. After exhausting everything I could think of, it became obvious he would never return to the Lord. I gave up. Soon after, he came back to God. It hit me like a sledge hammer to realize that although I had written this young man off, God obviously hadn’t. Ever since, I have determined to do my utmost to reflect the patience and faith of the eternal Lord whenever I counsel people.

If you are not willing to stick by hurting people’s side, faithfully believing in them for literally years if necessary, why bother to start? Be prepared for their healing to be a lengthy process with many a disappointment and setback, but always believe they will finally make it.

The secret

The kingdom of God, declares Scripture, consists not of talk, but power (1 Corinthians 4:20). Don’t abandon your Christ-bought spiritual heritage and resort to the powerless ways of the world.

Power resides not in clever words but in simple, heartfelt prayer.

Hoping for prayer support, I have often shared my needs with people and all I’ve got is cheap advice. Don’t sidestep the pain and the privilege and the power of prayer. Our two cents’ worth is rarely worth even that much, but faith-filled prayers are gold.

How often do we find the a writer of Scripture penning a request for advice? Yet we find at least nine distinct requests for prayer (Scriptures). It is noteworthy that although Paul gave advice in his letters, he did so by regularly beginning with the affirmation that he was called of God to give advice (ie called to be an apostle) and by stating that he constantly prayed for those he sought to advise. God’s call and calling upon God are the cornerstones of ministry.

Never be content with something a godless do-gooder could achieve. Reach up to heaven and bring down divine power.

Know the source of your power

I was appalled to read a “Christian” manual for sexual abuse counseling in which Christ’s sacrifice barely rated a mention. Authored by someone who should have known better, it was secular counseling with the word “God” slipped in now and then.

Never forget that the heart of Christianity, the source of its power, is the cross. We have nothing of lasting value to offer anyone outside the fact that the sinless Son of God bore the punishment for humanity's sin, so that all who come to him can trade their sin for his purity. Every conceivable spiritual blessing – love, relationship with God, answered prayer, the indwelling of God’s Spirit, wisdom, spiritual revelation, power over temptation, the fruit of the Spirit – flows from the death and resurrection of our Lord and from that alone (1 Corinthians 1:17–2:2).

Wrap Up

In spiritual first aid, as in physical emergencies, virtually untrained people can save lives, provided they do not foolishly attempt procedures beyond their expertise.

There are two warning signs indicating that you need to ease off:

1. When you find yourself beginning to preach to the person.

You could be an excellent orator and brilliant Bible expositor, but the perfect wording and delivery for a sermon is usually unacceptable for private conversation. Remarks that bring acclaim when directed at a sizable congregation suddenly become offensive when targeted at one person, especially if that person is already hurting. With the degree of intimacy that personal conversation brings, a gentler, less direct approach is needed.

2. When what you say produces even the slightest sign of pain or offense.

If you sense any such reaction, immediately back off. Ideally, of course, you will avoid the problem ahead of time by anticipating possible ways what you say could be misinterpreted as an accusation or hurtful remark.

If you are tempted to raise a matter that could cause a reaction, at the very least pray and fast about it for a couple of days. Check it out with a pastor or someone mature in the faith.

It’s my guess that a very high proportion of well-meaning Christian attempts to counsel people end up hurting people. We are all in danger of adding to this statistic. Remember Job’s counselors, who tried their hardest and yet ended up doing the devil’s work and desperately needing God’s forgiveness. They were quick to assume there was something wrong with Job. They criticized and accused. It’s the devil who is the accuser. Our role is to support. Our role is to love; to give people the benefit of the doubt; to be quick to find a good light in which to interpret our brother’s actions.

There is no need to be continually on edge, however. Be aware of the dangers, commit them to God, then rest in him, trusting your Lord to sound the alarm bells whenever needed.


To be the help that we want to be, we need the full gamut of Christian graces:

Love

This is our great motivator. It keeps us thinking the best of a person and pressing through in prayer and faithfulness for as many weeks, months or years that it takes to see a full breakthrough in his/her situation. Love remembers people’s kindnesses and forgets their failings.

Don’t hide your love. Express warmth, enthusiasm, interest, compassion. Let your face light up when you see them. Show real delight in their triumphs. Hang on to their words. Don’t interrupt with lengthy statements, but show you are interested and following their conversation, perhaps by use of words like Wow! or Fantastic! where appropriate, or That must have hurt! or by showing pain on your face, when such a response is called for.

Peace

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone,” (Romans 12:18). This, and Scriptures like it, highlights the key role of this grace in calming human relationships. Since anger is an expected human reaction to grief, anyone relating to a hurting person needs the spirit of a peacemaker; always ready with the soft answer that diffuses wrath; displaying the humility that would rather be wronged than inflame a situation.

“Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out” (Proverbs 17:14).

Gentleness

This is the very word Scripture uses to describe the way an erring brother should be restored and the way opponents should be corrected (Scriptures). “By the meekness and gentleness of Christ, I appeal to you –” entreated Paul (2 Corinthians 10:1).

Treat people as delicate masterpieces, honoring them as exquisite works of the divine Craftsman, fearing least by rough handling you mar a precious work of God.

Wounded people are sensitive people. Your off-hand remark might seem little worse than a friendly slap on the back, but you don’t slap seriously wounded people, no matter how friendly the intention. “Let your gentleness be evident to all” (Philippians 4:5).

Faithfulness

Be that rock-solid friend “who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24) when everyone else turns away. Be dependable, remembering them in prayer, phoning them, keeping appointments.

Kindness

This is what Job longed for in his friends (Job 6:14). Instead, they were like a mirage to a thirsty man. Like many exponents of the “you have to be cruel to be kind” philosophy, they succeeded only in being cruel.

“Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong,” warned Paul (1 Thessalonians 5:15), “but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.”

Goodness

This has been described as “generous kindliness” and as the antithesis of envy. We need to be generous with our time and our compliments and to rejoice in every victory of the other person, displaying the exact opposite spirit of the gossiper, who delights in someone’s downfall.

Self-control

When a person lashes out in pain, you need self-control. When you are itching to accuse someone, you need self-control. When you long to break a confidence, you need self-control.

Patience

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love,” (Ephesians 4:2).

Humility

“Beware of anything that puts you in the superior person’s place. . . . .” pleaded Oswald Chambers. “Stop having a measuring rod for other people. There is always one fact more in every man’s case about which we know nothing. . . . . I have never met the man I could despair of after discerning what lies in me apart from the grace of God” (My Utmost for His Highest, June 17th).

If there is anything we usually get wrong, it is recognizing who is in danger of pride. “Humble yourself,” says many Scriptures. Instead, we think it our divine duty to humble others. Rather than fear our own pride, the beam in our eye causes us to fear others falling into pride. We’re tempted to not mind how much they fall into despair or how much we wound them, as long as we save them from pride.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love,” (Ephesians 4:2).

Wisdom

The wisdom we desperately need comes not from books but from a relationship with the Almighty God. It is founded not on intelligence but on a fear of the holy Lord. It exalts not in itself but in the will of God.

What about joy?

You need it in abundance, not to flout your joy insensitively in front of someone who feels cruelly robbed of it, but to sustain you, empowering you to minister to hurting people without being dragged down by their oppression. It’s ever so hard to lift your brother or sister if you yourself are sinking into the bog of depression.

Final Word

In most cases, giving advice is like a doctor opting for surgery the moment someone complains of heartburn. There are usually far more effective and less drastic ways of helping. At best it should usually be the last resort, and often it is totally inappropriate. Additionally, like surgery, it is usually morally wrong to attempt it without the person’s willing consent. And most importantly, no one should perform surgery merely because they feel qualified. Anyone attempting surgery has committed a serious offense unless he/she is pronounced qualified by the state’s medical authority. Likewise, we dare not assume the role of advice-giver or teacher (not to mention the role of judge) without specific authorization from God, the Highest Authority. Nevertheless, we are surrounded with exciting opportunities to take from God’s medicine cabinet the sweetest and most potent of medicines – love. We are divinely authorized to use it in unlimited quantities. And when applied in humble dependence upon the Spirit, astounding things happen. For practical suggestions as to how to show love, see the final part of this webpage series: Christian Carer’s Guide: List of Practical Suggestions.

We often think it Christlike to tend to the needs of the sick. Jesus didn’t actually do this, however. When, for instance, Peter’s mother-in-law was bedridden, instead of waiting on her, he healed her. She then waited on him! (This is a reminder that we must not delight in people becoming dependent upon us.)

Of course, nursing the sick and comforting the hurting is highly commendable, but let’s never lose sight of what Christ, our example, would have done. He was a man of intimacy with God his Father, who acted in constant, humble dependence upon him. He was a man of prayer, who kept urging his followers to have faith in the prayer-answering God for whom nothing is impossible. He walked this earth stripped of his divine glory and privileges, miraculously setting people free and pronouncing that through faith we would do likewise. Even greater works are within our grasp, he declared, because of his triumphant return to heaven’s throne after establishing our spiritual union with Almighty God (John 14:12-13).

Let’s dump small thinking and rise to the challenge of Christlike faith and dependence upon God. Heaven forbid that we be content with merely comforting the hurting. May love drive us until we seek God with such passion and faith that the power of the Almighty hits those we serve, transforming their lives. Truly, the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk, but power (1 Corinthians 4:20).

[Pokey's Heart]

Keep on keeping on! And when it gets too heavy, just call me, or come over, and together, we will take a big ole bite out of it!

Prayers ascending every day and night, ladybug.

[Pokey's Heart]

Please keep praying for Donna and her family. She just called, and Her dad is no longer responding, and they are just keeping him as comfortable as possible. Also her mom is sick, pray for strength for all, and God's comfort.

[Pokey's Heart]

Daddy, I've watched you day by day,
My heart hurts just in every way...
You held me as a little girl,
Oh daddy you are my whole world!

You've been my rock as I have grown,
I've gathered fruits that you have sown.
Oh Daddy you mean so much to me,
And Daddy, You, I'll always need.

It hurts my soul to see you sick,
And if I could, you know I'd pick,
That God would lay me down to sleep,
And take this pain from your sweet cheek.

Oh Lord please hear my anguished cry,
Oh Lord to thee let me draw nigh..
For there alone is comfort sweet,
And anything I'll ever need.

Help my hurting, anguished heart,
Oh God I know not where to start.
Please hold me Lord, and carry me,
For my soul is parched and in desperate need.

Help my Daddy, Lord, I pray,
Cover him with your wings today.
Keep him ever in your care,
On Heaven's shores, I'll meet him there.

Help my family, Lord, I pray,
For we all need you every day.
Especially now in waters deep
Filled with pain, and mountains steep.

Guide my heart, keep my soul..
Lord sweet wisdom to me unfold....
Give me words to comfort thus,
Oh God just please take care of us.

And as you call my daddy home,
To bow before you on your throne...
Place inside my heart a smile,
For I have watched him every mile.

Lord you know his heart is true,
And God you know he so loves you.
Oh Lord please hear my humble cry,
My heart is broken, my soul just sighs.

As you mend my broken self,
Please use for you, all that's left.
As daddy's soul flies free to you,
Oh Lord, please remember I love you too.

Thank you for his time on earth,
Thank you for my daddy's birth.
Thank you for placing him with me,
I learned lessons for eternity.

Oh Lord, please help me here to cope,
Help me climb this treacherous slope.
Help me always reach for you,
And do what you would have me to.

Dear God, please help our hurting hearts,
Help us all, Lord, it's so hard.
We know that there's a better place....
And some sweet day, we'll see your face.

Tis then that we shall all behold,
Wondrous love and happy souls..
New bodies that don't fade away,
Oh Lord abide, in every way.


~Pokey~

[Pokey's Heart]

Thank you all on Donna's behalf for all the prayers in the last few months. Her daddy passed on just a little before seven tonight, and he is now in the presence of our Lord. The victory is his. Please continue prayers for the family in the upcoming weeks. Thank you for everything, you all are wonderful prayer warriors.
Love, Denise and Jeff

[Hope]

Pokey,
I am so sorry for their loss I will be Praying for all of them! Your Poem was beyond Beautiful!
God Bless You Love Eva

[poet1108]

Having sat with my own Dad through his final hours, I can so relate to Donna and her family, Pokey. You expressed so well words of comfort in your poem. Our prayers will continue as the family now goes through the grieving and healing time. May all be blessed by our Father God's presence..........and thank you for this thread set up 'specially for Donna and the family........KayD